Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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