Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't deserve a penis
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize