Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize