Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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