i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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