You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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