At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
