so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
