R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize