the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
