So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
