I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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