I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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