It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize