just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
