We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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