I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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