my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize