he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
