I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
