Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
