I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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