The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
