Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
