I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
