Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
