you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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