His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
