youre lurking in front of me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
