i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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