i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
