Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
