woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
