can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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