So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
