my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
