Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
