I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
