My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
40s are totally the cure
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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