she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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