It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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