I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
