If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
