so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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