home. puking in laundry basket.
love makes seman taste better
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
