What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
