I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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