chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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