He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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