i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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