So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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