So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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