I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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