this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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