Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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