my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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