i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
