im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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