i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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